The first real day of the NFL season gets started in about ten minutes.  The above image is a relatively accurate portrayal of what I’ll be doing for the next eleven hours or so.  If my heart clogs, I have beer to put out that fire.  Should you not care about the NFL, or find yourself with a little downtime between games today, please enjoy this list of every NFL team matched up with a Simpsons character (via).  I particularly like Al Davis with Captain McAllister and Patty & Selma with Romeo Crennel and the Great White Fail.

“Let’s see . . . football . . . football, homoeroticism in, oddball Canadian rules, Phyllis George and.” – Lisa Simpson 

There are obviously a lot of ways “MoneyBART” fails miserably in comparison to “Homer at the Bat”, which it consciously aped.  But there is a different Season 3 masterpiece to which it is pathetic and terrible in comparison: “Lisa the Greek”.  In both episodes, Lisa needs to study a sport she doesn’t know about.  In “MoneyBART”, everything about this, from how much she knows at first, to how she goes about it, to what she reads for research is nonsensical, slow, and nearly joke free.  “Lisa the Greek” is the opposite. 

What is this “based-ball” of which you speak?

When Bart complains that Lisa knows nothing about baseball, she reads off a list of old managers she thinks were women.  This is one of those painfully bad jokes that doesn’t make any sense, is embarrassingly obvious, and still takes forever.  How the hell did she make that list without discovering that the names on it are men?  Is Lisa Homer-level clueless now?  After they come back from commercial, Zombie Lisa demonstrates further un-Lisa-like ignorance by saying that “free safety” and “point guard” are baseball positions.  Again, this is both way out of character for her (she isn’t one to confidently state something she isn’t sure of) and excruciatingly obvious and slow (it was so funny the first time they did it twice!).  The scene ends when she promises to do some research, except if she hadn’t already done research where the hell did she get that list of managers?  It shouldn’t be asking too much that the plot makes sense within a single scene. 

By contrast, in “Lisa the Greek” Lisa already knows the basics of football, telling Homer that Denver just fumbled and following the game without any needless, time sucking, out of character stupidity on her part. 

I need to learn about a sport, where do I go first?

In “MoneyBART”, Zombie Lisa needs to learn the basics of baseball.  Instead of going on-line where she would find everything she needs,  she goes to Moe’s.  Again, this is completely out of character as Lisa would know better than to think that her idiotic father and his drinking buddies are the best source of knowledge available.  This leads to some pointless banter and the discovery that Lisa is not the only nerd who has wandered into the bar.  With no prompting from her whatsoever, Frink and the nerds bombard her research material.  As commenter sVybDy pointed out:

She never even explained to them what she was doing there or why she was interested in baseball. Are they omniscient?

This is one of the classic hallmarks of crappy fictional writing: the characters know things they shouldn’t.  If I walked up to some guys with laptops talking baseball, I may strike up a conversation.  But they don’t know that I’m there to research baseball unless I tell them, which Zombie Lisa doesn’t do.  This isn’t even Fiction 101, this is Fiction for Dummies 101: your characters don’t know everything you know. 

To sum up, Lisa goes to a place she wouldn’t normally go because it shouldn’t have the information she wants, but it does have the information she wants because the writers are extremely sloppy and lazy.  In “Lisa the Greek”, Lisa goes to the library where the show makes a quick joke about libraries and librarians before cramming in a bunch of jokes about football at a rate Zombie Simpsons would consider wasteful. 

What books should I read?

While at the library in “Lisa the Greek”, Lisa reads off a list of football subjects from the card catalog.  It’s one of those extremely dense list of jokes that The Simpsons was always so good at.  Not a lot of people ever looked at a card catalog and thought they could use it to make people laugh. 

In “MoneyBART”, as in “Postcards from the Wedge” last year, the show has ample opportunities to make the kind of quick book jokes that “Lisa the Greek” did.  It doesn’t.  When Zombie Lisa is conversing with the surprisingly plot aware nerds, they start handing her books.  (Presumably they have an infinite supply under the table.)  Of the five books whose titles can be read, one of them is a joke, “Schrodinger’s Bat”.  It isn’t much of a joke, just another one of their bad puns, but I’m trying to be generous here. 

This rather lifeless trend continues later in the episode.  Here’s Zombie Lisa during one of the games she’s managing:

In that shot there are eight book titles that are fully visible.  The only joke is the same “Schrodinger’s Bat” from the first scene.  The rest of the fully visible titles are either real books (“Moneyball”, “Historical Baseball Abstract”), joke-less terms (“Stats”, “Just Physics”, “Equations”), or equations, only one of which is a real Futurama-esque math reference.  (You may also wish to note the blue book with the number “4” on the spine, it appears that someone forgot to color it in.)  Here’s yet another book shot, this one from the montage:

Here we have more joke free book titles, including those scintillating “Stats” and “Equations” books from earlier.  If you’re scoring at home, that means that in three different shots with a total of eighteen book titles, Zombie Simpsons came up with one pun. 

Lazy, poorly written, and nonsensical even within a single scene, Zombie Simpsons once again fails to stack up. 

Mad Jon’s photo.

“You see, Lisa, your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it’s okay in the Bible.” – Homer Simpson
“Really, where?” – Lisa Simpson
“Ahh, somewhere in the back.” – Homer Simpson

“Look at these prices!  We could finally get rid of those termites for the cost of this meal.” – Marge Simpson

“C’mon Dad, doesn’t take a genius to realize that Houston’s failed to cover their last ten outings on away turf the week after scoring more than three touchdowns in a conference game.” – Lisa Simpson
“Oh, my little girl says the cutest things.” – Homer Simpson

Happy birthday Yeardley Smith!

“Money comes and money goes, but what I have with my daughter can go on for eight more years!” – Homer Simpson

Since the renewal news dropped late on Friday evening last week, just about any time someone typed “the Simpsons” into the internet this week it was about there being two more years of Zombie Simpsons.  Those get tedious after a while, but there was a pleasant trend to it: articles asking if the show really should have been renewed or if it was maybe better to let it die.  Lots of them.  I’ve linked a few below, and in addition to that the renewal news also gave us one very informative industry insider piece, two interviews with Al Jean that I think he might have done in his sleep, and two YouTube heavy flashbacks to the dawn of FOX.  There’s some non-renewal stuff too, including vintage TV Guides, an awesome sculpture from banana artisans who work exclusively in the medium of banana, and the usual assortment of excellent usage and random stuff.

Enjoy.

The Lost Art of TV Guide Advertising, Vol. 8 of 265,890 – Many thanks to reader Eric for sending in Smooth Charlie’s Click of the Week, twenty-four pages of Simpsons ads (and an article) scanned from TV Guide in 1989-1991.  These are a great taste of what the atmosphere around the show was like in those years.  I’d particularly like to point to the ads for “Lisa’s Substitute” and “The War of the Simpsons”, which feature Bart despite the fact that he is anything but the main attraction in those episodes.  Remember, “Bartmania” was real, but the show itself was never Bart centered.

Marge Simpson in Banana – Someone carved Marge into a banana.  Yes.  Ten thousand times yes. 

Polone: Why the Simpsons Salary Standoff Was a Sign of the New Hollywood Economy – A deconstruction of the negotiations from a true Hollywood insider.  Of all the summation pieces I’ve read this week, this is far and away the best.  It’s also worth noting that he has slightly different numbers than the other ones that get bounced around, which doesn’t mean that his are closer to the truth, just that all public salary numbers for Zombie Simpsons are to be regarded as suspect, no matter how many times they are repeated. 

Flashback: The Simpsons Are Born — And So Is a Vast, Right-Wing Conspiracy – A YouTube heavy retrospective on the birth of FOX and the birth of The Simpsons. 

Did a pop song bring ‘The Simpsons’ to life? – And here’s some very old video of Tracy Ullman pre-The Tracy Ullman Show, including on the Johnny Carson show in full pop star mode.

Top 10 Potential Simpsons Spin-Offs – Here’s a neat list of some potential spin-offs for once Zombie Simpsons finally does end. 

Like Father, Like Daughter – Reminisces about growing up with a movie and Simpsons obsessed father.  Aww. 

Harry Shearer discusses his comedy inspirations and why he doesn’t really go to movies anymore – Not much in here Simpsons-wise, but it’s an interesting read nonetheless. 

The Simpsons is a way of life – The author here was born in 1994 and can’t quite imagine a world without new Zombie Simpsons.  However, s/he puts up a bunch of screen grabs, one of which is from Season 11, one of which is from Season 10, and the rest of which are from single digit seasons.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the kids are always alright. 

Famous cartoon characters’ eyes – Neat poster of nothing but the eyes of cartoon characters; the Simpsons pair is easy to spot.  The animated cheat sheet is damn cool in its own right, it lists the Simpson eyes as belonging to Bart, but they could just as easily be Homer, Marge or anyone else.

Do we still care about the Simpsons? – Even when it gets renewed Zombie Simpsons gets no respect:

The recent salary disputes sound very much like hyenas fighting over a rotten corpse, rats leaving a sinking ship, like a cast trying to secure merchandising rights in anticipation of their show finally getting cancelled.

If “The Simpsons” were cancelled, would anybody care? – This one was written before the deal but says basically the same thing:

Fox would be fine if they cancelled The Simpsons. The network won’t fall to fourth place, the Sunday night lineup wont tank in the ratings, and the world wont end.

If The Simpsons were to be cancelled by Fox at the end of the season, would it be a big deal?

We lose Simpsons? That unpossible! Is it, though? – Our third question mark headline worked in a comparison to the declining fortunes of Terminator franchise.  Nice.   

Should The Simpsons Call It Quits? – Et tu, IGN?  

Simpsons Might Be Ending – This one doesn’t have a question mark in the title, but it boils down to the same thing:

When I would talk about the old episodes, they wouldn’t know them. They thought the show was great because they didn’t know the show when it truly was great. So for these reasons and more, I sadly decided that I should stop watching.

Last Man Standing…In 10 Words – I can’t help but nitpick, he actually says “Oh no, I’ve killed Wilson!”.  The rest is dead on, and someone should tell Tim Allen that it isn’t 1992 anymore.  Come to think of it, he had a promo during Monday Night Football this week that made fun of fantasy football, so someone should probably start by telling him it’s not 2004.   

HS Day 7: Three Things To Get You In The Halloween Spirit – Agreed:

I’m probably not telling you anything new, but The Simpsons’ Halloween specials are amazing.  Well, the first 10 or so anyways.

iPhone 4S, The Malibu Stacy Doll Of The Apple World – Comparing iPhones to new hats, and it comes with foreign language shaky cam YouTube of the end of “Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy”.

The Funniest Fictional Commercials – Lots of YouTube here for some famous fake television commercials, including two from The Simpsons and a smattering of others from shows like 30 Rock and Arrested Development. 

The Simpsons are Saved – This is a blog by a guy who does local news in Connecticut.  It contains this nice indirect Zombie Simpsons criticism:

Honestly, I didn’t even know the show was still on until news of a possible cancellation starting making headlines.  Back in the day I watched it religiously, and then lost interest.

But what you really want to click through for is the picture of him and two other people from a television station in Rockford, Illinois dressing up as Homer, Marge and Bart for Halloween 1989. 

Frisco Flea Markets – Scroll to the bottom for a picture of a well used looking Bart skateboard. 

I Am So Smart! I Am So Smart! S.M.R.T. – Celebrating a return to college with YouTube of Homer burning his diploma.  Well done.

Proof of Ned Flanders’ Association With Whores – Apparently Truman Capote once used the name “Neddie Flanders” in a book.  Great catch. 

Buy The Simpsons Homer Talking Wall Clock Black Friday – This rather annoying looking clock easily earns its Krusty Brand Seal of Approval, but I especially like the text, which was hilariously translated by computer:

CC Hoo! Homer Simpson Talking Wall hodinyVypočujte Homer the hour, every hour All I can say about Homer Simpson says! Watches, Woo hoo! Woo hoo fact, the local cultural icon, which is responsible for the addition of D’oh! Oxford English for an hour slovník.Každú decorating color analog clock expired with one of the 13 immortal Homerisms, including: First time, maybe someone tell me sir, nothing, “You have a scene.”

COMME des GARÇONS PLAY x Matt Groening Tee Shirt Runs – A few non-Simpsons Groening t-shirts. 

"The Simpsons" renewal: Exec producer Al Jean speaks – Not much in the way of news here.

The Simpsons Executive Producer Al Jean on How the Show Was Saved – Same as above.  If the show ever does end, Jean could make a ton of money on the lecture circuit teaching PR people, pro athletes, coaches and politicians how to creatively answer the same questions over and over again.  He’s really good at it. 

The Evolution of a footballing philosophy – Close:

Noted philosopher Marge Simpson once said “we can’t afford to shop at a store which has a philosophy”. Philosophy is nice, but, like everything, subject to the dreaded Cost/Benefit analysis.

Marge actually says, “We can’t afford to shop at any store that has a philosophy”, but that’s close enough to still be excellent usage.

Marge Simpson in Chanel – Speaking of “Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield”, here’s Marge in Chanel right next to pictures of real Chanel. 

How will we speak The Simpsons when there’s no more The Simpsons? – And finally, thanks to readers Adam and Eric I get to end with someone who agrees directly with us, including a link and everything.  A.V. Club Toronto has picked up the term Zombie Simpsons:

The Simpsons blog Dead Homer Society has coined the term “Zombie Simpsons” to describe the general tenor of post-season 12 episodes. It’s a nice catchall, which reflects the show’s protracted decomposition.

Got that right.  Join the conspiracy. 

“Look Dad, I made a modest studio apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll.  This is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter . . .  Dad!  You’re not listening to me!” – Lisa Simpson

Few things drain the joy out of entertainment more than social or political patronization.  Even if you agree with a particular cause or sentiment, it isn’t fun to have righteousness clumsily thumped into your skull, especially by rich, do-gooder celebrities.  Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney are two musicians of indescribable talent, but “Ebony & Ivory” is agitprop of such brazen low quality that even Pravda would have trouble defending it as anything other than pandering.

Before Zombie Simpsons obliterated every trace of humanity from its characters, Lisa was immune from those kind of blandishments.  She believed in radical ideas like women being people too, but she came at it from the ideologically compromised perspective of an ordinary little girl.  She couldn’t pretend that a song or a statement could make equality all right for ever and ever because she still had to get up in the morning and live life in a world where that was plainly untrue.

That’s all over “Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy”, of course, but the same daily feminism is baked into everything from “The Call of The Simpsons” and “Moaning Lisa” to “Homer Badman” and “Summer of 4 Ft. 2”.  Lisa isn’t a great character because she can be deployed to advocate for whatever trendy liberal idea happens to be de rigueur in Los Angeles.  She’s a great character because her life sucks, but she kicks the hell out of it anyway.

With that in mind, allow me to steer you to this Tumblr post:

WE ♥ LISA SIMPSON zine contributors needed

The details:

I’m making a zine dedicated to Lisa Simpson & Feminism because I think she is such a great role model ♥

So I’m looking for contributors who’d like to share their memories and experiences of Lisa’s time on our screens. I’m mainly looking for writing, but art is totally fine too!

Send your submissions to bsiveyer@gmail.com – DEADLINE 6th November

It’s Saturday morning (well, here in the States, anyway).  The entire weekend is yawning before you, and I know how much so many of you, chicks and dudes, love Lisa Simpson.

“The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago.  I was sitting on my Daddy’s knee when the Saints, who were four and a half point favorites but only up by three, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second to cover the spread.” – Lisa Simpson
“Dear God.” – Ms. Hoover

Happy 20th Anniversary to “Lisa the Greek”!  Original airdate 23 January 1992.

“Well, I’m glad some people could resist the lures of the big game.” – Reverend Lovejoy
“Oh my God!  I forgot the game!” – Parishioner

“After  evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye, the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is . . . Cincinnati by . . . two hundred points?  Why you worthless hunk of junk!” – Professor Frink

Sorry for the late Reading Digest, everybody.  I hope your Friday at work/school/whatever wasn’t too dull without it.  This post was originally going to contain a link to the first Kindle issue from the spinoff site, but Amazon appears to be having some difficulties and it looks like it’s not going to be ready today.  So here’s a regular Reading Digest post instead.

The good news is that the internet was bountiful this week.  We’ve got several people reviewing old episodes, YouTube interviews with both David Silverman and James L. Brooks, two different real life Moe’s Taverns opening (one licensed, the other not), fully legal video of “The Longest Daycare”, several people who agree with us, real life patented, space age, out of this world moon waffles, and, a Simpsons themed podcast featuring previous DHS guest authors Lenny Burnham and Wesley Mead.

Enjoy. 

Homer Simpson’s Patented Space Age Out of This World Moon Waffle – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this piece of internet genius wherein someone actually made Homer’s moon waffles!  Mmmm, liquid smoke.   

Podcasts – Secret Lover – Our old friend Lenny’s television podcast takes on the best show ever.  The link above is to iTunes, but you can also visit the main website here.

Top Twenty Simpsons Episodes (According to Me) – Great list with lots of quotes and context and not a trace of Zombie Simpsons. 

The Longest Daycare Now Online – Well, they didn’t win an Oscar, but you can now watch the whole Maggie short on FOX’s official YouTube account:

Bitching about the Academy Awards is a pointless as it is possible to be, but that is way better than Paperman. 

David Silverman on Guiding ‘The Simpsons’ to the Oscars via ‘The Longest Daycare’ – A twenty-five minute interview with David Silverman.  It starts with how he got started as an animator and how he got involved with the show and moves up through the short, including one of the best explanations for 3D I’ve ever heard.  (That starts around the 11:00 mark.) 

I liked this exchange:

Interviewer: So, just we’re gonna do a short, might as well do it in 3D?
Silverman: Oh, yeah, I mean, it pays well.

Heh.

James L. Brooks on His ‘Simpsons’ Journey, from ‘Tracey Ullman’ to the Oscars – The same guy interviewing Brooks.  The story about drunken David Silverman at the Christmas party comes in around the 9:00 mark. 

My Kind of Nerds. – A salute to nerds includes this cool Simpsons cross stitch from Flickr user the.barb:

Well done.

The Simpsons: Tapped Out becomes one of the highest grossing games in Google Play – Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the TV show is made:

Even though it has only been a few weeks since the game launched on Android, it has already become one of the highest grossing games in Google Play. The Simpsons: Tapped Out is currently the third highest grossing game in Google Play behind Blood Brothers and Candy Crush Saga. On Monday evening, it had gotten as high as #2. It’s also in the #6 position of Google Play’s “top free” section in the games category.

Before The Simpsons: Tapped Out came to Android, it managed to bring in over $23 million in one quarter on the iOS platform.

28 Funny Products Spotted on The Simpsons – Pretty much what it says, with only one from Zombie Simpsons.

Senators organist a fan of The Simpsons – As this game between the Canadiens and the Senators went to the first intermission, the organist played them off with the Simpsons theme, and the link has video.  

The Simpsons as First Time Buyers – Comparing the Simpsons buying a home in “Lisa’s First Word” with the actual process. 

The Simpsons Movie (2007) – A review of the movie that also agrees with us:

I have been a Simpsons fan since before the cartoon even came out. I still remember the Butterfinger commercials, announcing the “coming” of the animated show. The series started off strong and really hit its stride in the mid-to-late nineties and then, I felt, lost some of its edge with shows like Family Guy being more bold and edgy. I did notice the Simpsons start to do this but not too much (as Family Guy sometimes does).

The movie was great in the first half, but lost its momentum.

Why no TV show should go beyond five seasons – I think you can see where this is going:

That’s not to say that a show can’t have a good season past five, it’s just that I don’t know of any shows which have their best season that far into their run. Friends, one of the longest running sitcoms, peaked earlier than five seasons. The Simpsons, the longest running show on tv, is way past its best, which could be found in the first five seasons.

I wouldn’t say it’s just the first five, but that’s a pretty good rule of thumb.

The Simpsons Super Review – Another attempt to watch all the episodes:

For now I just want to say thanks for reading, buckle up, and try to enjoy the ride. I have a feeling things will start to get bumpy after about 13 seasons. We’ll have to start drinking heavily. Together.

Indeed.  (Also, thanks for the link.)

The Simpsons – “Cape Feare” – Looking back at a very good episode:

I can’t help but feel so very nostalgic while watching this episode. The 90′s was my childhood, despite the occasional grown up content, I would always park my arse on the sofa when The Simpsons came on the TV when I was a kid.

Bart’s Comet (TV Episode Review) (1995) – True:

The signs on the balloon states Big Butt Skinner, which got me laughing… I still find it funny. Today, Skinner would’ve easily got Constance Harms to do his dirty work 

Corey Hotline – Yet another review from long ago:

Lisa eventually beat her addiction as most people do by simply making it to midnight without calling. Ya hear that alcoholics? Yeah, it’s that easy. Apparantly your twelve steps should be not drinking from noon till midnight and you will be cured. You are welcome.

Heh.

Picture: Chief Wiggum and Ned Flanders were in the crowd at the Milan derby last night – Well done, Italian soccer hooligans:

AC Milan and Inter Milan went head to head in the San Siro last night and although they couldn’t be separated on the pitch, the Rossoneri won the battle in the stands with a brilliant banner featuring Chief Wiggum and Ned Flanders from The Simpsons that was passed around by the AC Milan fans.

Click through for the impressive picture.

Simpsons – Koala (gif) – Animated .gif of the stowaway helicopter koala from “Bart vs. Australia”. 

The 2013 Oscars…In 10 Words – Too bad that delightful Billy Crystal wasn’t involved.

Duck Dynasty…In 10 Words – The men of the 9th Bearded Reality Show were sunning and fluffing their beards . . .

Embiggen – Using the word to make map art (assuming that’s a thing). 

It’s Moe’s, of course | Our Springfield gets a version of Homer Simpson’s favorite bar – Springfield, Oregon is getting a bar called “Moe’s”, though one presumes that for legal reasons that’s where the similarities will end.

‘The Simpsons’ and the Birth of the Modern Animated TV Comedy – The dangers of sponsored content:

This post is brought to you by Out There, airing Fridays at 10:30/9:30c on IFC.

The rest of it reads like a poorly edited Wikipedia history of network animation.  It meanders around and doesn’t go beyond the most cursory of outlines before ending with a tease for part two.  I understand that times are tough and everybody’s gotta earn bread, and Jebus knows I’m no expert, but crappy, lowest common denominator content is never a good idea.  

MACGYVER: Paperclips, Marge Simpson’s sisters, and bringing back the mullet – A publicity interview for Richard Dean Anderson ahead of a visit to a comic convention in Australia.

‘The Simpson’s’ Nancy Cartwright Slated to Host Boys & Girls Club Fundraiser – Pretty much what it says.  They’re trying to collect enough quarters to stretch around a mall in California.

Top Twenty Favorite Opening Themes – The show checks in at #10 here, and there’s plenty of good YouTube. 

More of Springfield is coming to Universal Orlando – Restaurants inspired by ‘The Simpsons’ are being constructed – This is from “Orlando Attractions Magazine”, but it looks like Moe’s, a Krusty Burger, and possibly even the Gulp ‘N Blow are coming to Florida.  

Bart Simpson Defense – If you’re tired of playing Tapped Out, here’s a definitely unlicensed Simpsons defense game.  Basically, Nelsons are attacking and you have to stop them.  It has little to nothing to do with the Simpsons, but it’s fairly clever.

“Me fail English? That’s unpossible!” – A detailed breakdown of Ralph’s most famous quote.

Bart’s Hut – Simpson graffiti on a train station in (I think) Germany. 

The Decline Of The Simpsons – Yup:

Classic Simpsons had heart and the characters had layers, now they are all one dimensional jokes. Homer for example, used to be a buffoon but showed he loved his family. Nowadays he throws Bart into a lions pen, gets annoyed whenever he has to do even the lightest of family duties, and is very self centered and obnoxious.

Reboot Something That Matters: The Simpsons – And finally, I get to end the way I like, with someone who agrees with us:

In my life, few things have left as big a mark on me as a person as The Simpsons.  I’ve seen so many episodes and up until the last couple seasons, they’ve been incredible.  I know, everyone with a blog complains about how its “just not the same”, but hey, have you seen the last 3 seasons or so?  They’re not funny. 

Amen.

“This team is fired up!  We came here to play!” – Football Player
“Alright!” – Homer Simpson
“He’ll lose.” – Lisa Simpson
“What?  Didn’t you hear what he said?” – Homer Simpson
“Look at the fear in his eyes, listen to the quiver in his voice.  He’s a little boy lost in a game of men.” – Lisa Simpson
“You think we should bet against him?” – Homer Simpson
“I’d bet my entire college fund on it.” – Lisa Simpson
“You got it.  Moe, twenty-three dollars on New York!” – Homer Simpson

“And now with his picks for today’s games, the man who’s right 52% of the time, Smooth Jimmy Apollo.” – Brent Gunsilman
“Thank you, Bret.  Our first game today, Denver and New England, is too close to call.” – Smooth Jimmy Apollo
“Oh.” – Homer Simpson
“But, if you’re one of those compulsive types who just has to bet, well, I don’t know . . . Denver.” – Smooth Jimmy Apollo
“Woo-hoo, Denver, yeah!” – Homer Simpson

But don’t lose heart, Patriots fans, because we all know how that ended:

When you’re right 52% of the time, you’re wrong 48% of the time.

“It’s a touchdown for halfback Dan Beerdorf!  Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl!” – Commercial Announcer
“They wanted it more.” – Moe

As we here in America approach one of our most sacred high holy days, the internet responded with a torrent of Simpsons/football related links, references and usage.  There’s even one for the Super Bowl’s hapless sibling, the Pro Bowl.  In addition to that, we’ve a whole bunch of cool fan made stuff, most of which comes from an awesome Reddit collection of a painter who does Simpsons requests, a funny interview with Shearer, a harmless Zombie Simpsons-Super Bowl promo, and the first Choo-Choose Valentine’s link of the year.

Enjoy.

And Now For Something Completley Different……. Vol. 2: Will The Real Mr. Sparkle Please Stand Up? - Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this brief collection of real life Mr. Sparkles, everything from window washers and women’s underwear to arm tattoos.  Cool.

I make real life Simpsons paintings for fun and here are few I made last year (including some that were commissions from this subreddit!) - A collection of fan made paintings and similar from Reddit.  My favorite is probably #14, the actual Super Nintendo painted to look like Chalmers.  The whole collection is fantastic.  (Many thanks to reader Jodi for sending this in!)

Harry Shearer: Nixon didn’t like blacks, Jews, communists, the French… - Shearer is the best:

How long has The Simpsons got left? We’ll be on the air until Fox finds another comedy show that can work at 8pm on Sunday – so I’ll say another 55 years. There are people who have voted in several elections who are younger than our show at this point.

Has anyone unexpected said they’re a fan of the show? I don’t talk to presidents or popes so I don’t know. What I find most interesting is if someone asks me to do one of the voices, whether they’re a five-year-old girl or a 70-year-old man, when they see the voice come out of a human body they all get the same look of bewilderment, surprise and delight. It’s really fun to see that.

Guess Who? - The beginnings of a Lisa (or Maggie) cross stitch.  And she’s doing one of Chef Bender as well.  Don’t forget to post the final results.

The Grammies Apparently Happened Recently - Now this is coverage of music industry self promotion I can get behind:

Legal Disclaimer: Mr. Simpson’s opinions do not reflect those of the producers, who don’t consider the Grammy an award at all

Excellent usage.

(A late!) Sunday Night Sketchbook 26/01/14 - Scroll halfway down for a cool fan made sketch of Ralph after he grew up to be a caterpillar.  (Also, the Iron Giant one is pretty damn cool.)

What If Our Favorite Fictional Characters Aged and/or Kept Up With The Times - Heh:

6) In ‘The Simpsons’, Bart and Lisa would be in their early to mid thirties.  Bart would probably be finishing up a five to ten year stint in Springfield State Prison or beginning a career in politics.  Lisa would probably have 2 or 3 PhD’s and well on to a Nobel Prize winning career.

Woo Hoo!! - Heh.  Nobody better dis your fly girl.

You Choo Choo Choose Me? - If you’re planning on sending out the perfect Wiggum Valentine’s Day card, now you can.

The Simpsons Take A Trip To The Super Bowl With Everyone’s Favorite New Girl - There’s a Super Bowl video with some of the Simpson characters in it.  It’s mildly amusing in places, and, more importantly, short.  There’s even a joke about football overruns being the only thing that’s keeping FOX a network.  I guess admitting that football overruns are the only thing keeping Zombie Simpsons from disappearing completely would’ve been too close to home.

The Year of the Backlog - A post about a daunting number of unwatched famous movies:

I can’t run from the fact that I haven’t seen a lot of very poI can’t run from the fact that I haven’t seen a lot of very popular and culturally significant movies. No wonder, as I spent the majority of my childhood and teenage years either skipping films altogether or watching the same ones over and over again. This offered me nothing more than the ability to recite Aladdin or Home Alone from beginning to end without skipping a beat. This is a valuable skill, no doubt, but it didn’t provide me much in the way of variety or the opportunity to discover new genres that I might have actually enjoyed. Most of my classic film knowledge exists only through reference or parody, and I owe shows like The Simpsons a great deal for keeping me in the loop. I never watched The Shining, but I knew almost word for word and shot for shot the popular lines and scenes from the Stanley Kubrick classic.

Don’t feel bad.  Lots of people, myself included, learned about a ton of movies from The Simpsons.

Part 119: Cereal - A blog about being single is missing out on some of life’s great pleasures:

There are all sorts of things that other people do and tell you about – in conversation or in blogs or in newspaper columns or similar – which they appear to find pleasurable, but which you have thus far failed to enjoy. Things such as fellatio, The Simpsons and any film the Coen brothers have ever made. Once or twice a year you try them out – because they do seem to make all the other people happy – although you really should have the courage of your convictions by now.

I can’t speak to blowjobs and award winning black comedies, but as for The Simpsons , give it a try at the start of Season 2 with “Bart Gets an F” and go from there.  The world is far too polluted with Zombie Simpsons for any other try to really count.

Super Bowl Sunday is About More Than You Think - A Super Bowl without beer is like a blog post without a .gif of Homer running around an overturned beer truck.

Flashback: Joe Giudice v. Joe Gorga Fight Voiced by Chief Wiggum & Moe – “He’s Bitin’ My Nuts, WTF?!” - This is from a while ago, but I’d never seen it before.  It’s Azaria doing voices over one of those fake fights on a reality show.  Kinda funny to hear Moe says, repeatedly, “He’s biting my nuts.”

Super Bowl Science: Could A Seahawk Beat A Bronco? And Other Important Nerdy Football Questions - Yet more gimmicky Super Bowl previews, but this one invokes Lisa:

In the words of Lisa Simpson, “what could be more exciting than the savage ballet that is pro football?” Perhaps the science of that savage ballet!

Excellent usage.

7 TV Joke Products That Became a Reality - The Leftorium and Tomacco make the list.

The Divine Comedy of the Pro Bowl - And finally, I get to end the way I like, with someone who agrees with us in this comparison of the sad state of the Pro Bowl and Zombie Simpsons:

The NFL Pro Bowl’s ill-fated demise is like tuning into a new Sunday night episode of the Simpsons.
It’s easy to recall a time when these showings were once compelling and even entertaining—albeit, during a time when our insight for amusement hinged on pedantic catchphrases and unfulfilled promises. But for the better part of the last two decades, both stagnant spectacles have nose-dived into a Homer Simpson-sized groove.
They’re outdated, overplayed, and they should have been axed ages ago.

Yup.

“Oh, Dad, you must’ve bought me every Malibu Stacy accessory there is!” – Lisa Simpson
“Not quite.  They were out of Malibu Stacy lunar rovers.” – Homer Simpson

This week we’ve got links to more designer t-shirts, Lego knockoffs, a crappy alarm clock, a small “collector’s” model of Powell Motors’ last design, and I think I forgot a couple.  Also, we’ve got two links from Australians who’ve gotten their first taste of Moe’s and Duff.  (If this keeps up all the way through the actual 25th anniversary in December, I may have to re-title these posts “Merchandising Digest”.)  Fortunately, that’s not all we’ve got.  There are several cool fan made items as well, including NHL logos, embroidery, and an actual Zombie Bart.  Oh, and the Bartkira project released a teaser book.  There’s also some behind the scenes information about “The Cartridge Family”, a great reference, and an actual Springfield getting a Simpsons mural.

Enjoy.

Simpsons gun episode: “The Cartridge Family” was kind to the NRA, but they didn’t get it (VIDEO). - Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this blog post about “The Cartridge Family” that includes Scully explaining a few things:

Scully says that the NRA sent an angry letter to the Simpsons staff, proving that the organization didn’t get it. “It’s like they didn’t watch the show,” Scully says.

Moe’s Tavern – Woolloomooloo Bay Hotel - Pictures from that mini-launch of Duff in Australia, including kegs of the stuff.

Had some Duff Beer at Moe’s Tavern, Springfield - More of the above, including a great look at the menu.

Bart Simpson zombie - Cool (and creepy) fan made drawing.

BARTKIRA - The Bartkira project has released a short book as it continues its massive task.  Only $15.

Bart Simpson Embroidery - Excellent fan made Bart.  The look on his face is great.  I can picture him saying “Yessum”.

Colette x ELEVENPARIS - More new fancy t-shirts.  These are from the same company as that all blue Marge one.  They aren’t as good as that one, but they’re not terrible either.

BREWING UP SOME FUNK: Grand Funk Railroad’s Don Brewer talks about the early days and sweet, sweet Connie - Don Brewer is aware of Homer’s opinion of his competent work:

CRAIG: How does it feel to have Homer Simpson as a big fan of yours?

BREWER: (LAUGH) I was honored. When they sent me the script for that episode they wanted to use one of my songs, “Shinin’ On.” And I read what (Homer) was going to say about each guy in the band. And he was telling his kids about Grand Funk Railroad, and I was like, wow. I guess we are Americana now.

Steve Sax gets tiny residual checks from his appearance on classic Simpsons - Heh:

Steve Sax tells @Midday180 he gets quarterly residual checks from the Simpsons worth $0.45 to $0.73.

Back in my day, that was a lot of money.  Really?  Nah.

SDCC 2014: Simpsons and James Bond Hot Wheels Exclusives are Announced - And the prize for this year’s “First Mention of Comic Con” goes to Mattel:

Mattel has started to announced their Hot Wheels SDCC 2014 exclusives!

[...]

Hot Wheels The Homer ($30)
Hot Wheels proudly presents The Homer from everyone’s favorite cartoon show “The Simpsons.” This vehicle is a faithful reproduction in awesome collectible packaging of the Homer Simpson-designed car “that’s everything the average man ever dreamed of!”

ak47_studios on Instagram - It’s NHL logos remade with Simpsons characters.  Lisa as the Rangers is pretty damned good, but the cake might have to go to Wiggum as the Mighty Pigs, er Ducks.  (via @johncessna)

The Simpsons - The Simpsons section at the Florida theme park has been such a success that they’re building one in the California theme park.  Here are some under construction pictures.

HOMER SIMPSON Animated Clock 8 by 11 inches - Another poorly built alarm clock that cannot be plugged in.  I suppose they didn’t want it to get incredibly hot.

Simpsons soccer parody: The episode “The Cartridge Family” is history’s best soccer satire. - It is pretty good.

Did the Simpsons predict Cryptocurrency back in 1997? - Not really, but it’s a nice thought.

Game #1 – 4 in 1 (Super Famicom) - A writeup of a weird old, Japanese game cartridge that misidentified the Simpsons game that was on it.  Also, excellent usage:

Also, since this picture was taken, the label has fallen off. Bah, cheap weatherstripping!

Interview with Johnny Cupcakes on The Simpsons Official Collaboration - Small number of baking products, large number of t-shirts.

Simpsons mural coming to town - Cool:

The city announced Friday that a mural featuring the animated family, created with input from TV series creator Matt Groening, will be painted on the west side of the Emerald Art Center at Fifth and Main streets.

[...]

A print artist who works for 20th Century Fox Television, which helps produce and airs the show, is completing the original artwork that will serve as the basis for the mural.
A show publicist said it’s most likely the artwork won’t be released publicly before the completion of the mural in mid-September. Laudati said the artwork will depict Homer lounging in a hammock, Bart climbing a tree, Marge painting, and Lisa and Maggie riding a bike.

That’s Springfield, Oregon, by the way.

Just Because… - Heh.

New Addition to the Family - More merchandise, this time “Diamond Blocks”.

Homer’s Enemy: The ballad of Frank Grimes - Our old friend Stefen Grasso writes up one of the turning point episodes of the series.

Trivia pursuits: Really specific bar trivia around Brooklyn - Go classic Simpsons trivia:

Perhaps the most specific trivia night in the whole borough, Woo Hoo! Classic Simpsons Trivia on the first Thursday of the month at Williamsburg’s Berry Park tests contestants’ exclusively on episodes of “The Simpsons” from the ’90s. Battle it out with teams such as “Allied Biscuit,” “Team Discovery Channel,” and “The Neglecterinos.” If you don’t get those references, this isn’t the trivia night for you.

7:30 pm at Berry Park [4 Berry St. between N. 14th and N. 13th streets in Williamsburg, (718) 782–2829, www.berryparkbk.com]. $10 per team, $5 solo players.

Granola, which many may choose as a healthy breakfast, has more than 400 calories - I like how the illustrate their story on crappy eating with a picture of box after box of Krusty-Os.

Has anyone found missing Bart Simpson doll? - That’s sad:

Elaine said: “Bart is 25 years old and was a character bought for my son who is now 28!

“It has been packed away safely in my cupboard over many years now.

“Having decided to pass it on to my two-year-old grandson, it was lost on its first day out in the region of the Sure Start children’s centre and Hill Street.

Syndicated TV Ratings: ‘Judge Judy’ Again Number One in Households & Viewers & ‘Dr. Phil’ Top Talker for Week Ending May 25, 2014 – Ratings - One suspects that these are ratings the show would still do quite well in:

Why Aren’t The Simpsons on This List?!
While The Simpsons repeats are available nationally its ratings are not counted in the weekly syndicated ratings because The Simpsons does not sell any national advertising in syndication.

“Uh, Mom, could you loosen my blanket a little?  Dad tucked me in too tight and it’s cutting off the circulation in my arms and legs.” – Lisa Simpson

“And with the score at the half Buffalo 14, Washington 7, it’s time for the never tedious Super Bowl halftime show!” – Brent Gunsilman
“People of Earth, we’ve come ten billion light years to bring you this halftime message of peace!” – Guy in Terrible Alien Costume

“The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago.  I was sitting on my Daddy’s knee when the Saints, who were four and a half point favorites but only up by three, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second to cover the spread.” – Lisa Simpson
“Dear God.” – Ms. Hoover

Happy 20th Anniversary to “Lisa the Greek”!  Original airdate 23 January 1992.

“Well, I’m glad some people could resist the lures of the big game.” – Reverend Lovejoy
“Oh my God!  I forgot the game!” – Parishioner

“After  evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye, the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is . . . Cincinnati by . . . two hundred points?  Why you worthless hunk of junk!” – Professor Frink

Sorry for the late Reading Digest, everybody.  I hope your Friday at work/school/whatever wasn’t too dull without it.  This post was originally going to contain a link to the first Kindle issue from the spinoff site, but Amazon appears to be having some difficulties and it looks like it’s not going to be ready today.  So here’s a regular Reading Digest post instead.

The good news is that the internet was bountiful this week.  We’ve got several people reviewing old episodes, YouTube interviews with both David Silverman and James L. Brooks, two different real life Moe’s Taverns opening (one licensed, the other not), fully legal video of “The Longest Daycare”, several people who agree with us, real life patented, space age, out of this world moon waffles, and, a Simpsons themed podcast featuring previous DHS guest authors Lenny Burnham and Wesley Mead.

Enjoy. 

Homer Simpson’s Patented Space Age Out of This World Moon Waffle – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this piece of internet genius wherein someone actually made Homer’s moon waffles!  Mmmm, liquid smoke.   

Podcasts – Secret Lover – Our old friend Lenny’s television podcast takes on the best show ever.  The link above is to iTunes, but you can also visit the main website here.

Top Twenty Simpsons Episodes (According to Me) – Great list with lots of quotes and context and not a trace of Zombie Simpsons. 

The Longest Daycare Now Online – Well, they didn’t win an Oscar, but you can now watch the whole Maggie short on FOX’s official YouTube account:

Bitching about the Academy Awards is a pointless as it is possible to be, but that is way better than Paperman. 

David Silverman on Guiding ‘The Simpsons’ to the Oscars via ‘The Longest Daycare’ – A twenty-five minute interview with David Silverman.  It starts with how he got started as an animator and how he got involved with the show and moves up through the short, including one of the best explanations for 3D I’ve ever heard.  (That starts around the 11:00 mark.) 

I liked this exchange:

Interviewer: So, just we’re gonna do a short, might as well do it in 3D?
Silverman: Oh, yeah, I mean, it pays well.

Heh.

James L. Brooks on His ‘Simpsons’ Journey, from ‘Tracey Ullman’ to the Oscars – The same guy interviewing Brooks.  The story about drunken David Silverman at the Christmas party comes in around the 9:00 mark. 

My Kind of Nerds. – A salute to nerds includes this cool Simpsons cross stitch from Flickr user the.barb:

Well done.

The Simpsons: Tapped Out becomes one of the highest grossing games in Google Play – Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the TV show is made:

Even though it has only been a few weeks since the game launched on Android, it has already become one of the highest grossing games in Google Play. The Simpsons: Tapped Out is currently the third highest grossing game in Google Play behind Blood Brothers and Candy Crush Saga. On Monday evening, it had gotten as high as #2. It’s also in the #6 position of Google Play’s “top free” section in the games category.

Before The Simpsons: Tapped Out came to Android, it managed to bring in over $23 million in one quarter on the iOS platform.

28 Funny Products Spotted on The Simpsons – Pretty much what it says, with only one from Zombie Simpsons.

Senators organist a fan of The Simpsons – As this game between the Canadiens and the Senators went to the first intermission, the organist played them off with the Simpsons theme, and the link has video.  

The Simpsons as First Time Buyers – Comparing the Simpsons buying a home in “Lisa’s First Word” with the actual process. 

The Simpsons Movie (2007) – A review of the movie that also agrees with us:

I have been a Simpsons fan since before the cartoon even came out. I still remember the Butterfinger commercials, announcing the “coming” of the animated show. The series started off strong and really hit its stride in the mid-to-late nineties and then, I felt, lost some of its edge with shows like Family Guy being more bold and edgy. I did notice the Simpsons start to do this but not too much (as Family Guy sometimes does).

The movie was great in the first half, but lost its momentum.

Why no TV show should go beyond five seasons – I think you can see where this is going:

That’s not to say that a show can’t have a good season past five, it’s just that I don’t know of any shows which have their best season that far into their run. Friends, one of the longest running sitcoms, peaked earlier than five seasons. The Simpsons, the longest running show on tv, is way past its best, which could be found in the first five seasons.

I wouldn’t say it’s just the first five, but that’s a pretty good rule of thumb.

The Simpsons Super Review – Another attempt to watch all the episodes:

For now I just want to say thanks for reading, buckle up, and try to enjoy the ride. I have a feeling things will start to get bumpy after about 13 seasons. We’ll have to start drinking heavily. Together.

Indeed.  (Also, thanks for the link.)

The Simpsons – “Cape Feare” – Looking back at a very good episode:

I can’t help but feel so very nostalgic while watching this episode. The 90′s was my childhood, despite the occasional grown up content, I would always park my arse on the sofa when The Simpsons came on the TV when I was a kid.

Bart’s Comet (TV Episode Review) (1995) – True:

The signs on the balloon states Big Butt Skinner, which got me laughing… I still find it funny. Today, Skinner would’ve easily got Constance Harms to do his dirty work 

Corey Hotline – Yet another review from long ago:

Lisa eventually beat her addiction as most people do by simply making it to midnight without calling. Ya hear that alcoholics? Yeah, it’s that easy. Apparantly your twelve steps should be not drinking from noon till midnight and you will be cured. You are welcome.

Heh.

Picture: Chief Wiggum and Ned Flanders were in the crowd at the Milan derby last night – Well done, Italian soccer hooligans:

AC Milan and Inter Milan went head to head in the San Siro last night and although they couldn’t be separated on the pitch, the Rossoneri won the battle in the stands with a brilliant banner featuring Chief Wiggum and Ned Flanders from The Simpsons that was passed around by the AC Milan fans.

Click through for the impressive picture.

Simpsons – Koala (gif) – Animated .gif of the stowaway helicopter koala from “Bart vs. Australia”. 

The 2013 Oscars…In 10 Words – Too bad that delightful Billy Crystal wasn’t involved.

Duck Dynasty…In 10 Words – The men of the 9th Bearded Reality Show were sunning and fluffing their beards . . .

Embiggen – Using the word to make map art (assuming that’s a thing). 

It’s Moe’s, of course | Our Springfield gets a version of Homer Simpson’s favorite bar – Springfield, Oregon is getting a bar called “Moe’s”, though one presumes that for legal reasons that’s where the similarities will end.

‘The Simpsons’ and the Birth of the Modern Animated TV Comedy – The dangers of sponsored content:

This post is brought to you by Out There, airing Fridays at 10:30/9:30c on IFC.

The rest of it reads like a poorly edited Wikipedia history of network animation.  It meanders around and doesn’t go beyond the most cursory of outlines before ending with a tease for part two.  I understand that times are tough and everybody’s gotta earn bread, and Jebus knows I’m no expert, but crappy, lowest common denominator content is never a good idea.  

MACGYVER: Paperclips, Marge Simpson’s sisters, and bringing back the mullet – A publicity interview for Richard Dean Anderson ahead of a visit to a comic convention in Australia.

‘The Simpson’s’ Nancy Cartwright Slated to Host Boys & Girls Club Fundraiser – Pretty much what it says.  They’re trying to collect enough quarters to stretch around a mall in California.

Top Twenty Favorite Opening Themes – The show checks in at #10 here, and there’s plenty of good YouTube. 

More of Springfield is coming to Universal Orlando – Restaurants inspired by ‘The Simpsons’ are being constructed – This is from “Orlando Attractions Magazine”, but it looks like Moe’s, a Krusty Burger, and possibly even the Gulp ‘N Blow are coming to Florida.  

Bart Simpson Defense – If you’re tired of playing Tapped Out, here’s a definitely unlicensed Simpsons defense game.  Basically, Nelsons are attacking and you have to stop them.  It has little to nothing to do with the Simpsons, but it’s fairly clever.

“Me fail English? That’s unpossible!” – A detailed breakdown of Ralph’s most famous quote.

Bart’s Hut – Simpson graffiti on a train station in (I think) Germany. 

The Decline Of The Simpsons – Yup:

Classic Simpsons had heart and the characters had layers, now they are all one dimensional jokes. Homer for example, used to be a buffoon but showed he loved his family. Nowadays he throws Bart into a lions pen, gets annoyed whenever he has to do even the lightest of family duties, and is very self centered and obnoxious.

Reboot Something That Matters: The Simpsons – And finally, I get to end the way I like, with someone who agrees with us:

In my life, few things have left as big a mark on me as a person as The Simpsons.  I’ve seen so many episodes and up until the last couple seasons, they’ve been incredible.  I know, everyone with a blog complains about how its “just not the same”, but hey, have you seen the last 3 seasons or so?  They’re not funny. 

Amen.

“This team is fired up!  We came here to play!” – Football Player
“Alright!” – Homer Simpson
“He’ll lose.” – Lisa Simpson
“What?  Didn’t you hear what he said?” – Homer Simpson
“Look at the fear in his eyes, listen to the quiver in his voice.  He’s a little boy lost in a game of men.” – Lisa Simpson
“You think we should bet against him?” – Homer Simpson
“I’d bet my entire college fund on it.” – Lisa Simpson
“You got it.  Moe, twenty-three dollars on New York!” – Homer Simpson